Haha, of course I'm still alive and I'm doing quite very well. Now I'm enjoying my vacation back in Shanghai, meeting friends, shopping, AND staying with my mother, leaving my poor poor husband alone thousand miles away (well, man needs a little bit his free time too :-P)

Because of busy work, I didn't update here much (that means I become less nagging -- my husband can prove that too, :-P,:-D)

These weeks are not so easy.....The week before last one for some unknown reason (maybe that's KFC's fault) my gall-stone was upset and started to torture me for several hours, and two days later it did it again (that day I had neither KFC, nor meat, chase...) for longer time. The doctor just sent me off with some medicine against stomach ailment, which is nothing to do with my problem. And last Friday afternoon the dear little stone 'played' its game again, lasting till Saturday afternoon. More than 20 hours I couldn't do anything, but concertrated on bearing the pain. The lucky thing is tomorrow I have an appointment with the doctor for a further checking. In the past a few days I ate little, I couldn't take it more even if I wanted, because my stomach always feels full. Wow, maybe this time I could sucess to lose some weight!

My mood is not that good. Today all of the time, I felt weak and at some moments my heart seemed had trouble too: I felt it's so heavy and it's not that easy to breathe. Meanwhile I have to deal with so many tasks. All of these drag me down. I began to miss my hometown: My mother would take care of me well (Well, I mean when she is around, I always feel safe and needn't worry. Just call me kid, and I don't care.), and I could rest at home for a while, and I needn't speak my shabby German everyday, sitting beside my colleagues in cantinee, trying to understand the conversation and join it, hoping time runs a bit quicker so that I can go back to my desk. Of course compared to half year ago my German is improved, but it's still not good enough, and I'm sure it will take me a few years to reach a ok 'satisfied' level, that, to me, is like another 'gall-stone', which tourtues you for a very longer time!!! Althrough most of my colleagues are freindly, at least superficial friendly, I feel I don't belong to anything; Althrough I did my work well and sometimes 'suprised' colleagues from different Dept, the 'comfort' is just temporary. 

Specially this winter is sooooooooo long and soooooooo cold, I hardly can bear it anymore, and there are still a few months before I can go back to visit my mother and lay on my bed again (it's my favorite bed ever.). Anyway today my mood is not good, so I declare the life in Germany is just a ''gall-stone''! 

One evening I talked with T, and told him that sometimes I’m under stress by my work. And he answered/asked: ‘Why?’

(Leider) I don’t know how to answer (Is it not true that work sometimes brings stress? Or only men do the 'real work'?)

I remember I had written an entry named ''I'm not in a 'hurry' mood'', I just checked it, it was written one year ago, and now things got changed: I must be hurry up everyday (especially in the morning) to catch the train. Nowdays sometimes when I walked in darkness from office to trainstation, my mood was never bad, though it rained or snowed.

Thanks to my mother: She always supports me mentally and materially if I need, and also thanks to my husband: He also does the same to me!

I re-read some posts which I wrote long time ago here, I found many of them are silly (I seldom correct my grammer mistake after I write, when I re-read my posts, errrr.....). But, I don't mind, that was me, and my past, the point is I always try to learn from the life and what I experienced, no matter they are good or bad, success or mistakes, I could say, at least till the present I always walk forward, and am improving myself, and I always try to be brave.

I learned a lot, and I will learn more. :-)

And, I wish every readers a happy new year!!!

T and S had a fight at weekend.

In evening S noticed that T suddenly stood up and grasped some pasters(post-it) and wrote something on them. Out of curiosity, S went to pick them up and tried to see what they were, but was stopped by T: ''Hey, you wouldn't understand what I wrote.'' However S ignored T (He wanted to get these papers back) and finished reading these scrips, and of coz she didn't really get them because that's some hints T wrote for his new story (Actually the important thing to S is not to understand these scrips but to have right to read and finish the reading). ''You began a new story? Why you didn't tell me?'' ''Why must I tell you about that?'' S pouted and mumbled:''I'm treated just like a moving furniture in this apartment.''

The event was not finished even when they went to bed.

T:''I don't like it that I feel I'm controlled''(accusing S requires too much). ''Control?'' S got upset by this word and rose her voice:''Ok, I will stop 'controlling' you, also I will stop asking you these difficult questions, and let you live the life you want and I won't let myself to be bothered by any tiny thing from you. Is that ok?'' ''You mean we should live separate lives or we should divorce?'' S was louder:''What?! First you said I control you, and now you want to divorce me?!''

''No,no, of coz I don't want a divorce, but the life you described earlier sounds like a divorce,'' explained T. ''But you said firstly that you don't like the life in which I 'control' you! What exactly you want from me?'' T said nothing but hugged S and S said to T:''Pls come back to your side, we should sleep now (They lay on the side which belongs to S). T rejected to move:''We share everything, so I can lie here with you.'' ''No, we don't share everything.'' ''What's the thing we don't share?'' S pouted again:''The scrips! you even tried to stop me reading them.'' T laughed:''Give me another example.'' ''I already gave you the examle!'' S insisted. ''One more,pls,'' said T. ''Hey, why you want to 'control' me, I offered you one example and I don't want to say more, why you're forcing me?'' S answered and started to tickle T (to make him move to his side), subsequently S' arm got caught by T. S shouted:''Stop 'controlling' me!'' T laughed at S:'' You misuse this word 'control' now.'' S was still stubborn:'' Without repeating this word, I couldn't help you to understand what kind of nonsense you had said.'' S used her toes continually to tickle T (S practices Yoga, so she is very flexible). ''Unfair, unfair!'' T cried.

At the end, they kissed and fell asleep.

From this meaningless event which happens in every families, we can see at least three points:

1.Men are also very complicated.

2.Women are alreays right (especially in these kind of trifles).

3.Don't tickle aganist your wife, you won't win.

Moving furniture: S' definition of these partners who live togather but don't communicate any more.

Difficult questions: For example, once S went to an Interview, and was asked ''What your husband see of you when he is asked?'', S answered:Blah,blah....And when she came home and laid the question to T (What T would comment on S), T frowned and suffered:''It's difficult, I don't know what I should answer and I need at least half day to think about it'' S didn't get a answer. Sometimes this idea came to bother S:''If I'm too bad that my man can not even think of a simple good word to describe me?'' However, S will never know!

Bisher sind wir zwei Jahren lang verheiratet. :-)

Last time I said: Enjoy every moment..., phew, I'm sorry, I'm only a 'Paper Tiger', The words were just used to comfort or fool myself to gain some transient peace. Of coz I'm being anxious or infleunced by each interview and each feed-back. The clock ticks, but the hope of finding a job seems not closer. It bothers me. And now the America financial crisis would lead a shrink of employment demand, undirectly. Lucky?

I woulod like 'enjoy every moment' in a different way. There are still many things which need me to take care of, how can I now stop to 'enjoy'? If oneday (in the short future) I 'enjoy every moment', not I choose it, but am 'forced'.

Some friends complain that they're exploited (by the boss und company), they don't have an idea, how I admire them. God, Buddha, or any superbeing, mercy on me, send a company to 'exploit' me too, thanks!!

I haven't been here for a while. People who read my last entry might think that I'm occupied by my new job. Actually it's not, I stay unemployed since the first day of this month.

The first day of August (this month), I dressed myself, and got up early to catch up the subway and bus, to arrive in office at my first day. When I was there, the receptionist had no clue about my coming, she said she didn't get any notification. And the lady from HR Dept. who contacted me was in her vacation, so she called a few people, it took about 20 mins, later she told me that I have to come back to the office in downtown, because my position supposed to work in the office in downtown (On my contract, it states I work not in downtown).

After I came out of the building, I felt it's utterly strange, and started to worry (Before the day I read their website, and found that they totally changed their high-level managerment group half month ago, it sounded they're having some troubles), maybe I would be not needed anymore. During the way came back to downtown, I called T to inquiry what I should act and negotiate with them if I'm told that I'm fired because I'm not familair with German labor law. T thought it probably would not happen, maybe the company would not keep me very long if they're really in troubles, but it would be very unnormal that I will be fired at my first day.

When I arrived at the another office, the same thing happened, the person who I supposed to talk to also didn't know about me. She lead me to a coffee corridor, offered me a bottle of drink and one company booklet, I sat there around 20 mins, then finally came a guy to me. He told me that the company is in a special situation(financial troubles) and he can not see there is any points that I can start working for them, so he suggested I start the work on Sept, if I can not accept it, then they have to terminate the contract.  I'm not a kid, and I think he was just try to 'soften the blow' by saying 'start the work on next month' blah blah. I cut his words up and said: 'Let's speak frankly, I can try to understand your situation, but first pls speak to me frankly and directly', he looked a little bit embarressed, I asked can he promise 'the job from Sept', he said he can not. So, that means I'm fired. We sat there and talked for a little while, I told him that this situaton brings me lots of troubles, he appologied. I was unhappy with it, but I was peaceful and calm.

I mean I can understand sometimes some companies could fall in big troubles and fire lots of people, people would feel very unhappy, but it's life, it happens. But one thing bothered me, that is: Nobody notified me a tinny little bit earlier. The HR lady went to her vacation and totally forgot about my contract. What a messy system! Too unprofessional and unpolite!

The very fact is: They totally forgot me. Because at the first day they just notified me orally, but not with a formal paper notification. According to German law, namely one employee can not be fired without writen-down notification. So based on the contract, they have to pay me two weeks plus these days which is from the first day till the day I receive the formal notification (Generally common contract gives first half year as trial period, during the period, either side can fire another side with two weeks earlier notification, so to tell the truth, there is no room to negotiate with them).

So my life came back to the former one(earlier I'm still hired by my Taiwanese company, working at home, but now totally unemployed). I had registered a evening class(German, twice per week), after I came back from the company, I changed my class to every-morning class. And continue searching a new job.

I was a little bit upset and depressed. One evening T read me something said that I should enjoy every moments of my life. I think about it, and I agree with it. People regret about their past, and worry about their future, but forget their Today. Tody turn to past, and furture is still furture, people just miss the right moment. Since I can not change the past, and anyway furture itself will come to become today and yesterday, why people should be so anxious that they forget enjoying some of their little time(If they already do what they should do and will do the same for their future)? I also remember the Wugui master's words (from film Kung Fu Pondar):'Yestery is a history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that we call it present.'

So if I need continue 'fighting', why carry with a bad mood but not a soomth and cheerful mood? 

I heard about one sentence, rude and crude, but to some extent, I think it makes sense: 'Sometimes life is like a rape, if you can not fight against it, you have to try to enjoy it'(my life is not that horrible).

Just a job, what's the big deal? I could try to find another one! If it fails, what's the big deal, I can promot myself to be a mother!